This blog has become a site where I reflect back to my good old simple days.
There are posts, where I have made them private. That's because those childish posts are just silly posts meant for me to remember and not everyone else in this web world (reputation to preserve).
I've been struggling with a new genre of problems,
Just like everyone as we go through stages of life.
This genre would be the fear of aging and the future.
Yes, "fear of aging" coming from a 20 year old sounds pathetic.
People see a whole ultimate package awaits for me,
But honestly, I think time passes by so fast these days.
That this ultimate package might not be used to it's fullest.
People may then see me as selfish, where I want everything...
But why not? Because we only have this one life to live, and we "might" go through reincarnation, but since when there was one human being that was born into this world knowing it's past anyway.
I panicked when I turned 20. I remembered my best friend calming me down in my bedroom.
It's really silly, because imagine what if I turned 30... I might freak out so badly where I would hide from this world.
I start to wonder... Why am I afraid? What are the causes of this anxiety? I start analyzing myself.
One of the biggest reason of my anxiety comes from lack of planning or over planning.
When I was 12 years old in primary school, I remember this specific workshop that gathered all the year 6 students together in this open hallway.
The speaker asked us to fill up a timeline sheet of our future goals and planning.
I thought... That's easy, I will just put high school for next year, and graduate from high school with good grades after 5 years. easy peasy.
As I receive that timeline sheet, I freaked.
The timeline went from being 12 years old till the age of 80!
That's insane, I thought.
And I didn't bother filling up the whole sheet, just the first three column - graduate from primary school, go to high school, finish high school.
As I was done, I looked around. Everyone was so serious about this timeline sheet, but I gave no fucks.
Then the speaker asked a volunteer to share their timeline. This boy, who was a discipline prefect (yes I have a great memory), volunteered to share his timeline. I was so eager to hear what he had, I mean I had nothing, I wanted to see what these kids were thinking.
The boy starts:
- At 13 years old, I want to get into high school at ___. (I was like mhmm, I can relate, but such a specific high school).
- at 17, I want to graduate from high school with a science stream spm, not to mention straight A's if possible. ( Mhmm, thats a lil ambitious for now, but lets see what else he can come out with).
- At 18, I want to go to college to do a doctor's degree. (oh, he knows what he wants to be already)
- At 23, I hope to have graduated to start my career.
- At 26, I hope to have gotten a stable career.
- At 28, I hope to marry and start a family.
- At 35, I hope to travel with my career and family.
- At 50, I hope to have retired.
.... THE LIST WENT ON TILL THE AGE OF 80.
When I heard that speech, I really went "hell no, no way". How could a 12 year old be so sure of his future.
I was really sad that day.
But you see, as a 12 year old that time, after hearing that... it still didn't hit me to realize that I should start planning...
Honestly my life planning only came when I was 17 ( which was really late and rushed ).
I wish sometimes that my dad had pressured me to think about my future at an earlier age (I am not blaming my dad for this). But even if he did, I wouldn't have planned anyways. Before the age 17, I have always been such a lazy person. Now karma came, I have to work hard to keep up.
That workshop/prodigy boy story, showed how unprepared I am. But, I realize that I am glad to have that much freedom during my child/teen years. Not many people get the freedom that I have, and I appreciate that.
So in order to cure my "fear of aging" anxiety. I guess I would need to start accepting the fact that people grow - physically and mentally. And I shouldn't be afraid, because that would only pull me back and put me in denial.
I should plan ahead, but also let fate guide me a little.
I should appreciate what I have and my capabilities for now, but also still be aware of what else I could do instead of being too focused, where I would be oblivious of people around me.
I should enjoy the moment, and not worry too much of the future.
As how everyone always said to me
"If you think so much of the future, then you wouldn't be living in the present."
"Do not think so much, you would only create problems that wasn't event there."
