12 December 2016
Today, an American white male opened my dressing room curtain while I was half-naked. I cried in public from the experience. Without a sincere apology, the employees of the dressing room apologized to the male for having to deal with my “overreaction”, or what they deemed to be an “overreaction” on my part.
My name is Carmun, I am ethnically Chinese and I come from Malaysia. A few days ago, I graduated from Emerson College in Los Angeles, and decided to reward my accomplishment by doing a little shopping for some Holiday clothing.
Kitty, who is also ethnically Chinese from Hong Kong came to accompany me in shopping. Our first stop was H&M. I was changing into clothes, coming out to get her opinions on my new outfit. As I was returning to my dressing room, unsure of which stall I’d been occupying, my first instinct was not to open the curtain to just any changing room. Instead, I took the time to check by looking to see if there were feet sticking out below, indicating whether someone is in said dressing room, so to avoid walking in on someone else’s privacy. To me, that is common courtesy, or simple logic.
Our next stop was Topshop, at The Grove, a fairly famous upscale shopping complex. Kitty and I picked out a few outfits and went into the dressing room upstairs. Kitty’s dressing room was two rooms after mine, and someone else was in the changing room in-between ours.
As I was changing into my outfit, I noticed that the person from the dressing room next to mine came out. It was a guy, and he was standing just outside of my dressing room now, talking to the Topshop employee about an outfit he needed for an interview he is having. After hearing him speak, I only realized that I was in a unisex dressing room.
At the time that all of this took place, my shirt was stuck over my head, bra dangling off my arms and my pants were half-down. I was clearly in an awkward half-naked position. As the guy outside finishes his conversation, he opens my curtains without even checking to see if it was the right room.
The first instinct of this white American male was “opps” and closes my curtain. He runs back to his supposed dressing room and yells “sorry!”, just simply like that.
The first instinct of this white American male was “opps” and closes my curtain. He runs back to his supposed dressing room and yells “sorry!”, just simply like that.
I was stunned by that, because everything that happened did not been registered in my head. It took me a few seconds to realize that, that “sorry”, was not genuine. I yelled “Dude, that was NOT cool.” He yells back “that was an accident, don’t make a big deal about it.”
I repeat, in his exact words : “Don’t make a big deal out of it.”
I repeat, in his exact words : “Don’t make a big deal out of it.”
After getting dressed, I handed my clothes to the three fitting room associates, who are two African-American males and one Caucasian-American female. They receive my clothes like nothing had happened.
I ask “Does this always happen?” with my tears almost bursting out.
I ask “Does this always happen?” with my tears almost bursting out.
African American #1 says “what always happens?”
African American #2 explains “a guy opened her dressing room.”
I explain with tears (while I try to resist them) “In your country or culture, it might be not a big deal that a man walks into a female dressing room, but where I am from, that is not right.”
The nice caucasian lady replies “I am sorry that happened, that is definitely not okay, let me give you a hug.” The lady then runs off to get the manager.
African American #1 tells me “Sorry that happened, however, if it makes you feel any better in the future, try not to use an unisex changing room.”
wow, okay, so it is my fault for being in a unisex room.
This is where everything becomes utterly messed up.
First of all, I had no knowledge that this is an unisex room, it was not stated anywhere.
African American #2 explains “a guy opened her dressing room.”
I explain with tears (while I try to resist them) “In your country or culture, it might be not a big deal that a man walks into a female dressing room, but where I am from, that is not right.”
The nice caucasian lady replies “I am sorry that happened, that is definitely not okay, let me give you a hug.” The lady then runs off to get the manager.
African American #1 tells me “Sorry that happened, however, if it makes you feel any better in the future, try not to use an unisex changing room.”
wow, okay, so it is my fault for being in a unisex room.
This is where everything becomes utterly messed up.
First of all, I had no knowledge that this is an unisex room, it was not stated anywhere.
Then this is where it gets worst. The Manager comes in, who is an African American lady. She asked “What happened?”, the employee explains. The very first thing she does is, she walks to the fitting room where the White male was still in, and apologizes to him. That lady did not speak a word to me.
Kitty, who was still in the dressing room overheard the whole conversation between the Manager and the white male.
The African American associate #1 walks over to the guy’s dressing and said “Man, I am sorry about that, and that girl definitely overreacted, I hope you do well in your interview man”.
I, who was the one that got walk into, half naked. And I cried, because it was not right that it happened (that people could see this as not a big deal). All I got was to be called “ a girl who overreacted”. I was crying on the side, and the Manager walked out without noticing or even cared about my presence.
Kitty confronted the African American associate #1 and the guy the walked into my dressing room. She stood up for me, saying that the situation wasn’t right. Kitty demanded an apology from the white male, which he did, ignorantly.
The White Male comes to me and says “Look, I am sorry but I didn’t even look, so don’t make it a big deal, it is not my fault that had happened, not a big deal.”
I replied with half sobbing breath “ it might not be a big deal for you, but I come from a country that it is a big deal. Since I am at your country, I don’t have a choice but to forgive you, isn't it?”
People, why I am telling you this experience I had is because I believe that I am not the first girl who have experienced this. To many, this might be a small situation because there are bigger things to be sad about in life. But for a moment, put yourself in my situation, or put your sister, mother or daughter, in my shoes. How do you feel? Would you ever want any female that you know and care, to experience something so shameful, and yet not get the apology that she deserves?
I am not sad because my culture is slightly conservative. No, I am so heartbroken by society that I was the victim in that dressing room, but the Topshop associates did not cared and went directly to the guy’s dressing room and apologized to him. WHY?
I did not caused this to happen, it would not have happened if he had the decency to just check if someone was in the dressing room. The associate and Manager even had to reassure him that I was the crazy chick that overreacted, while he was in no fault of this. How is my slight crying, overreacting? I wasn’t screaming or shouting, I clearly explained what happened. Yet, I am overreacting?
How can a person just apologizes and then says that it is not a problem, nor should I think it is a problem. It is a problem, it is a mistake that he has done, and he has no right to persuade me that what he did is not to be made into a big deal.
How can a person just apologizes and then says that it is not a problem, nor should I think it is a problem. It is a problem, it is a mistake that he has done, and he has no right to persuade me that what he did is not to be made into a big deal.
After this experience, I think to myself, am I safe in this country? Did I just experience this because I am an outsider of this country? Would it have been different if I was a upscale Caucasian American?
To all the girls that have experienced the same, please never let someone persuade you that they are not wrong. NO. They did something wrong, and all they had to say is sorry. All I needed was sorry, and not a persuasion. If it is something that is not right to you, you are entitled to that, because you were the victim.
To all the girls that have experienced the same, please never let someone persuade you that they are not wrong. NO. They did something wrong, and all they had to say is sorry. All I needed was sorry, and not a persuasion. If it is something that is not right to you, you are entitled to that, because you were the victim.
This is not about women and men equality. If I had stepped into a woman while she was half naked, I would have apologized admittingly that I am wrong, regardless that if it was female to female, or female to male. There are no excuses, no persuasion.
I hope that by sharing my experience, people who work retail will start noticing this as an issue. That making fun of the “asian girl that overreacted” is not right. That this could be all easily avoided, if there wasn’t an ignorant customer, and a better-trained manager. The manager could have brought peace to the situation if she had no biases and was well-trained. Unfortunately, my experience today was not dealt with the same professionalism and human decency that all individuals deserve. I hope this acts as a call-to-action for the TopShop managerial team to reflect on their hiring and training process so that employees are better equipped to handle similar situations professionally on par with their corporate standards. Not only am I dissatisfied and truly disappointed with the TopShop staff’s’ response, I am genuinely baffled by the lack of a human understanding and compassion shown today by both the white male who inflicted the whole situation and the TopShop associates whom I approached to seek comfort, help, and support in this situation.
Last note: How am I ever going to explain to my father what had happened to me? I don't want to break his heart that his only daughter had to experience this overseas.
Last note: How am I ever going to explain to my father what had happened to me? I don't want to break his heart that his only daughter had to experience this overseas.
To those who have read up to this point, you may have similar views, or
not. But just to clarify, that I forgave the male who opened the curtains. I
said "I forgive you" right at his face as he left to the cashier,
because I know he
will never understand how it feels to be in that situation I was in because
either of his culture, that he is a male etc...
The way that the staff resolve
the situation was the main concern of mine. They only cared for the
person who from the country, not the one who is shock by it.
This post is
just to reassure girls that was maybe at a similar situation, that it is okay
to have felt that it's wrong. It's okay if they weren't comfortable, and don't
let other people persuade you that it is not a big deal.
